I was on a come and see with the Franciscan Sisters of the Renewal (CFR) recently and while I was there I really was trying to "discern" whether or not this is where God wants me to spend the rest of my life. Often times I think discernment can be viewed as something that's more active than God intends. I know many times I got caught up in the mentality of "figuring out" my vocation like it was my job to coax God into telling me the plan through extra prayer & other sanctifying practices. That's not how discernment is. It's about being receptive and using that extra prayer & other sanctifying practices in order to open up your heart to receive God's plan as He leads you into it step by step.
This passive type of discernment is something I was really able to enter into during the few days that I spent with the CFRs. My first night there I remember really just reflecting on what the Lord was doing in my heart and praying about that. I said to God something like "show me Your will while I'm here trying this community out." Instantly my brain made the connection to "trying this dress on".
I had been binge watching Say Yes to the Dress for the last few months and I could not for the life of me figure out why that show was so appealing to me. That night in that convent chapel the lightbulb went on, the search that every woman is on when she walks into that bridal salon is for the perfect dress: the one that makes her feel beautiful, like the best version of herself, like its what she was made for. Turns out that is exactly what every woman discerning her vocation is looking for too! The man or religious community that makes her feel beautiful, like the best version of herself, and like she was made to be with them- the perfect fit.
This change in perspective on vocational discernment helped to see that God doesn't intend for discernment to be a time of anxiety, gloominess, fear of the future, or discouragement. It's just supposed to be a time of lighthearted enjoyment pursuing the community or person that captivates your heart.
TIPS FOR DISCERNMENT SO ACCURATE YOU'D NEVER BELIEVE THEY CAME FROM BRIDAL EXPERT RANDY FENOLI
1.) Never try on more than ten dresses
Randy says that once you try on more than ten dresses you've seen too many. You're no longer confident in what you want and your confused about what direction to continue in.
*Vocation Translation: Don't seriously discern a vocation with many men or many communities, it will only confuse you and make it harder to know where God is leading you.
This is especially true for those discerning marriage- save as much of yourself (emotionally, physically, spiritually) for your husband as possible and realize that each time you get involved in a serious romantic relationship with a man you are giving a part of your heart to him.
As far as visiting many communities, I think the problem with that is it makes the discernment more of an intellectual puzzle to be solved or an excel spreadsheet to fill out. This feeds into the temptation to believe that you can "figure out" your vocation. So i would suggest narrowing down communities through online research, any brochures you've come across, and prayer (LOTS OF PRAYER). See what captivates your heart, see what would be a good fit for you. Once it's narrowed down to 3 or 4, start going on come & sees. Generally speaking, a come & see is your best time for discernment.
2.) Leave the entourage at home
Randy says that when going to try on dresses in the hopes to find "the one" only bring your few closest friends. The large entourage often has noisy opinions that distract you from finding the dress that you really want, the dress that's right for you.
*Vocation Translation: Only share the intimate details of your discernment with your closest, trusted friends/family. This is necessary to protect your vocation. Remember that a vocation, especially a newly discovered one, is delicate and can be discouraged by the slightest negative remark or lack of support.
3.) Never try on a dress you can't buy
Randy says that if there's a dress you like, but you know you can't buy it- ignore it and move on to a dress in your price range. It's possible that you'd try it on and fall in love with it and then you're stuck either: spending more than you can really afford or feeling unhappy with a different dress.
*Vocation Translation: When God shows you your vocation don't go trying out the other one just for funsies. You will end up getting emotionally involved and lose the vocational clarity you had and wounding some hearts in the process. Let me use an example to illustrate what I mean, if you know that Lord is calling you to religious life, don't keep dating. You know it won't end in marriage because you know you're not called to marriage. Although it may seem fun to keep dating, in the end it will leave you either: in love with a guy you shouldn't marry or hurting the hearts of guys who thought you were genuinely interested in a future with them.
